Beer and Loving In Las Vegas

I had a fight with my beer today.

Like most men, I don't stick to just one beer, I like to play the beer field. I do have my cheap standard, Coors Light. While Coors Light is cheap and goes down easily, it's not always the most pleasant beer to have around. It's not the taste that bothers me, it's the attitude. Coors can be a real jerk!

I was out last night partying with friends. We had a great, wholesome time. We drank a lot. I drank mostly Sam Adams. When I came home, late at night, I reached into the refrigerator and pulled out a Coors Light. The second I popped the cap, it started giving me shit, and wouldn't shut up. You see, the Coors Light could smell the other beers on my breath.

"What were you doing? Why didn't you take me? You never take me ANYWHERE! Were you with Sam?"

I sat there and listened to this dull, low calorie beverage let into me for about a half hour. This happens a lot! It's not always because of another beer, but Coors is really bossy. For a light beer, Coors is overbearing. It wasn't always this way. We used to have a great time together, but if you give some light beers an inch, they'll take 10 miles. Not to mention that after a few beers, I sometimes forget the promises I make. I don't know if you know a lot about beer, but one universal truth is that a beer never forgets.

It seems that some time ago, I made a promise that I would be a one-beer man. I drunkenly made a pledge to drink only Coors Light. Well, I didn't really mean it, but my beer took that pledge very seriously. Some men can do it. Some men get all the satisfaction they need from one beer and never look at another. I could be one of those men, if my beer just gave nice head.


But Coors Light, with its attitude problem, requires more work than it's worth. We used to have a good time together, but I'm soured by it now. I want to experience a new beer, one that knows how to have a good time, and lets me be who I am.

So last night, I had all kinds of beers, but kept going back to Sam. Sam knows how to have a good time. It's refreshing. I don't feel the passion from Coors Light anymore. When I'm drinking Sam, I feel like I can be myself; my drunken self, of course.

Coors got angry about my time with Sam. I sat there and took it, until I couldn't take it anymore. I exploded.

I told my beer that if it quit being such a bully, I wouldn't be cavorting about, drinking other beers. I threatened to move on, maybe start drinking Sapporo, or even Guinness. Coors Light then turned into a real asshole, calling me a "two-timing, beer-slut drunk." It got ugly. It almost got physical. I'm glad it didn't. I hate having broken glass everywhere. I picked up Coors, kicking and screaming, and shoved it back into the refrigerator. I closed the door and relished the silence, but there was an empty place inside me. I felt bad for what just happened. I can still remember the good attributes that made me love Coors Light in the beginning, but I feel like I don't get to see them anymore. Despite what Coors Light thinks, I never had any intentions with Sam, or any other beer for that matter. I just like the way Sam tastes. If you've ever had a Sam Adams, you know that you have a close friend in that beer.

After thinking about it for awhile, I started to feel bad for slamming the refrigerator door like I had. I made my way back to the kitchen, and there was Coors, sitting quietly. I didn't expect it to look so sad. My eyes began to well up. I didn't expect that either. We embraced. We cried.

My feelings didn't change. I didn't stop being angry. I just found in me the ability to sense how Coors was feeling. I'm the kind of guy who's heart breaks when I see a beer in pain. Neither of us went to bed angry. We stayed up and watched a movie in my office.

I can't say that it's going to be "happily ever after" for Coors Light and me. I wont promise to stay away from all other beers. I will do what I can to keep the peace. One thing you have to realize when you choose a beer, is that beers can often be moody and unreasonable. Some beers will click with you from the start, others you have to get to know over time. But beer should always make you feel good.