Looking For Lena Webb

It was morning.

Not too early. It was 8 am, which is about my normal time arriving in our little office. I tip-toed softly to the door, banana held at my ear, pointed at the ceiling, the way Magnum P.I. held his gun before sneaking up on bad guys. No. I wasn't Magnum. I was Jack Bauer. I took a deep breath. This was going to be a surprise.

I swung around, rushing into the room like a vice cop rushes into a warehouse filled with drug dealers. My banana was aimed at... no one.

I was alone in the room. This was unusual. Lena alway gets here first. This was her room. Her office sanctuary... and her prison.

Then it occurred to me. Lena was gone. She was in New York, for a conference. She'd be there all day. Kene and I would be Lenaless for a full work day. Or is it Lena-free? No. Lenaless. Lena-free makes it sound like a good thing.

I got sad. Really sad. What would I do for the hour before Kene arrived. Who would I talk to? Then it really hit me: Who would I instant message on G-chat?

I yelled, "NOOOOOOOO!" (It's ok. I was alone on the floor. It's a good thing electron microscopists are not morning people).

I wasn't looking forward to explaining this to Kene.

I sat down, checked my email, and started working on my outside paper. I got a lot of work done.

An hour went by and Kene walked in the door.

"Where's Lena? Bathroom?"

I couldn't take it. His words reminded me of her. I started balling.

Kene was puzzled, but he comforted me until I calmed down enough to talk.

"Jason, it's okay. Calm down," he said as he patted my back.

"No, Kene, you don't enderstand. Lena's gone! She'll be gone all day!"

Then it registered for him. His lip quivered. His chin wrinkled. He let out a gutteral uttering. Then he began sobbing uncontrollably. It was my turn to comfort Kene.

Eventually we were able to talk about our feelings and how we would get through the day without Lena. It wouldn't be easy, but we decided we would make it, knowing we'd see her tomorrow. Tomorrow would start anew, and we could pretend as if April 17th never happened.

Around lunchtime, we got sad again. We had an idea. We would find a pair of quirky glasses and a short brown wig. We'd take turns wearing them, pretending to be Lena. We'd use a PC, sit at the big desk, and swear out loud every thirty minutes. Then we'd talk about crushes we had on professors.

It turns out that the student bookstore doesn't sell glasses OR wigs. Walmart was too far away.

WE MISS YOU, LENA!!!!

Advice For Men

This is not my most original update, but my stepdad sent me an email containing advice for men. I thought I'd pass it along.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

  1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time
to time, cleans up and has a job.

  2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

  3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.

  4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

  5. It's very, very important that these four women don't get to know
each other.

How To Make A Bowl Full Of Friends For Under $10

Ever think of starting a family, but aren't ready to commit? Well, I have the answer for you. But beware! Sea monkeys may not be the easy, relationship-free solution you were looking for. Did you know that sea monkey's can grow to almost half an inch in length and live for up to two years? Well, they do, and they can. This means that sea monkeys require constant attention and supervision. You might want to consider having that significant other around to share the responsibility. Are you going to be ready to shell out the cash when little Suzie Seamonkey says that she wants take ballet?

Now, multiply that by 30, because that's how many little critters you might have to feed once you open that packet and pour it in water.

If you feel you're ready to start your new family, the first thing you have to do is go out an buy yourself a Sea Monkey kit.

These come in many varieties, from a simple jelly jar to an all out Sea Monkey metropolis.








Unfortunately, Sea Monkeys are not as instant as advertised. After you fill your container with water, you have to add the water purification packet and wait for 24 hours. If you're like me, a day seems like an eternity when you have a packet full of friends that are busting to come out. Nonetheless, it is a necessary step. Sea Monkeys are big business. The fat cats of the Big Monkey industry have added an ingredient to the purification packet that is required for the freeze dried eggs to hatch. They won't hatch in regular water. The naive think that this ingredient is magic, but those of us going for our PhDs know that it's a conspiracy.

After your day of grueling anticipation is over, you can add packet #2. This is the packet that contains your new family. If you have good eye site, within a few minutes, you might even see little white dots the size of the period at the end of this sentence swimming around (if you have a magnifying glass). Within a couple of days your critters will be big enough to see with the unaided eye.

So, you've made your new buddies. Now you can just sit back and enjoy them. Right?

WRONG! Like I said, there are certain responsibilities that come with Sea Monkeys. You have to feed them every 2 days! I know this sounds like a lot, and at this point you're probably considering adopting a baby from China, but I assure you that it's not that bad. You can handle this. And when your little water monkeys look into your eyes and silently thank you for taking care of them, your heart will melt. It will all be worth it!

Once you've gotten to this point, you must adopt the perfect Sea Monkey watching stance.


You can do it alone...



Or with friends...



You can look at them with silly faces...














Or stoned...



You can even do it as a celebrity...
(she plays Claire on Lost. I think....Mmm. I might have just made that up.)


















Sea Monkeys are also a great way to propose to the woman you love, if you're a loser...



Finally, Sea Monkeys are so intelligent that you can teach them to saddle up and ride goldfish...


If you have it in you to take on the challenge of being a proud Sea Monkey parent, then I urge you to do so. Just remember that once you do, you can no longer live a selfish life. On occasion you'll have to put their needs before your own. And if you decide to take the easy way out and adopt that Chinese baby, you won't know the joy that it is to raise a bowl full of friends.

Beer and Loving In Las Vegas

I had a fight with my beer today.

Like most men, I don't stick to just one beer, I like to play the beer field. I do have my cheap standard, Coors Light. While Coors Light is cheap and goes down easily, it's not always the most pleasant beer to have around. It's not the taste that bothers me, it's the attitude. Coors can be a real jerk!

I was out last night partying with friends. We had a great, wholesome time. We drank a lot. I drank mostly Sam Adams. When I came home, late at night, I reached into the refrigerator and pulled out a Coors Light. The second I popped the cap, it started giving me shit, and wouldn't shut up. You see, the Coors Light could smell the other beers on my breath.

"What were you doing? Why didn't you take me? You never take me ANYWHERE! Were you with Sam?"

I sat there and listened to this dull, low calorie beverage let into me for about a half hour. This happens a lot! It's not always because of another beer, but Coors is really bossy. For a light beer, Coors is overbearing. It wasn't always this way. We used to have a great time together, but if you give some light beers an inch, they'll take 10 miles. Not to mention that after a few beers, I sometimes forget the promises I make. I don't know if you know a lot about beer, but one universal truth is that a beer never forgets.

It seems that some time ago, I made a promise that I would be a one-beer man. I drunkenly made a pledge to drink only Coors Light. Well, I didn't really mean it, but my beer took that pledge very seriously. Some men can do it. Some men get all the satisfaction they need from one beer and never look at another. I could be one of those men, if my beer just gave nice head.


But Coors Light, with its attitude problem, requires more work than it's worth. We used to have a good time together, but I'm soured by it now. I want to experience a new beer, one that knows how to have a good time, and lets me be who I am.

So last night, I had all kinds of beers, but kept going back to Sam. Sam knows how to have a good time. It's refreshing. I don't feel the passion from Coors Light anymore. When I'm drinking Sam, I feel like I can be myself; my drunken self, of course.

Coors got angry about my time with Sam. I sat there and took it, until I couldn't take it anymore. I exploded.

I told my beer that if it quit being such a bully, I wouldn't be cavorting about, drinking other beers. I threatened to move on, maybe start drinking Sapporo, or even Guinness. Coors Light then turned into a real asshole, calling me a "two-timing, beer-slut drunk." It got ugly. It almost got physical. I'm glad it didn't. I hate having broken glass everywhere. I picked up Coors, kicking and screaming, and shoved it back into the refrigerator. I closed the door and relished the silence, but there was an empty place inside me. I felt bad for what just happened. I can still remember the good attributes that made me love Coors Light in the beginning, but I feel like I don't get to see them anymore. Despite what Coors Light thinks, I never had any intentions with Sam, or any other beer for that matter. I just like the way Sam tastes. If you've ever had a Sam Adams, you know that you have a close friend in that beer.

After thinking about it for awhile, I started to feel bad for slamming the refrigerator door like I had. I made my way back to the kitchen, and there was Coors, sitting quietly. I didn't expect it to look so sad. My eyes began to well up. I didn't expect that either. We embraced. We cried.

My feelings didn't change. I didn't stop being angry. I just found in me the ability to sense how Coors was feeling. I'm the kind of guy who's heart breaks when I see a beer in pain. Neither of us went to bed angry. We stayed up and watched a movie in my office.

I can't say that it's going to be "happily ever after" for Coors Light and me. I wont promise to stay away from all other beers. I will do what I can to keep the peace. One thing you have to realize when you choose a beer, is that beers can often be moody and unreasonable. Some beers will click with you from the start, others you have to get to know over time. But beer should always make you feel good.

Evil Girls

Sonnet 27

Be not afeard: the isle is full of noises,
Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight, and hurt not.
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears; and sometime voices,
That, if I then had wak'd after long sleep,
Will make me sleep again: and then, in dreaming,
The clouds methought would open and show riches
Ready to drop upon me; that, when I wak'd
I cried to dream again.

William Shakespeare

Regarding Superman's Feet

Something's been bothering me lately. It's been on my mind and I won't be right until I get it out in the open. It's about Superman; his boots, to be more specific.





I've haven't read many comic books. I've seen all of the Superman movies in the theater as a kid; even Superman IV (I still want my money back). I enjoyed Superman Returns. In the movies they show all the different ways that Clark can make a quick change into Superman. One moment he's wearing a suit, a second later he's wearing a costume. As I understand it, he goes about his day donning his super hero digs like a pair of long johns. Sometimes, before he moves at lightening speed to change, he rips open his shirt, letting us, the viewers, see the SUIT that is beneath the suit. According to a friend of mine, the comics have even addressed the issue of Clark's glasses. There's a pocket in the cape where Supe puts them when he's flying around. It's the boots that concern me. I just don't know how to account for them.

In Superman Returns, there's a scene where Clark enters an elevator, and as soon as the doors almost close, he starts flying up through the hatch, and in one motion drops his Clark outfit and is immediately transformed into Superman. All of it makes sense... except for the boots. Clark wears black shoes around the office. Superman sports bright red boots. I see only two possibilities:

1) He always wears the red boots, but cleverly coats them is shoe polish or a high tech Kryptonian polymer that he wipes off when he changes. The problem with the shoe polish theory is that he would have to carry a shoe polish can in his cape pocket for his change back into Clark.

2) He has a Superpocket. Somehow Superman is able to bend space and time in his immediate vicinity. This would allow for a hidden fold in space where he could keep an extra pair of shoes, or his whole Clark wardrobe if you really think about it. After all, in Superman II, Clark changes into Supe on a side street without even leaving Clark's clothes behind. There is one weakness in this logic: if he could do that, then why would he need a pocket in his cape for glasses?

Personally, I'm leaning toward the Kryptonian boot-covering polymer. If you know the answer, please share it with me. This has been keeping me up at night

J